You couldn’t do it if you tried. But in 1989, at the age of twenty, I managed to make myself bulimic. I would consume nothing but water for seven days at a time, or eat to the point of crippling pain, begging myself to stop … yet would carry on. I’d like to take a look at how I accomplished such an incredible feat. What are the lessons here? How could you make yourself bulimic?
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Since 12th May 1937, the day of George VI’s Coronation, the Mass Observation project has been asking members of the public to submit a detailed diary entry for 12th May each year. The more everyday the details the better–as this is the fabric that history is made of.
So, what did I get up to on 12th May 2019?
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Despite knowing—on some level—at a very young age that I was a lesbian, it took a silly amount of time for the pink penny to finally drop. Into my university years I was writing entry after entry in my diary about how beautiful my latest girl-crush’s eyes were … yet expressing in the very next paragraphs my bewilderment as to why I never felt excited when a boy touched me. My diary makes for a forehead-slapping read.
So, how could I know I was gay when I didn’t know? What were the mental prods? What were those early signs?
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Jamie: What do you think of yourself when you look back at what you wrote?
Natasha: I feel just slightly remorseful, as I was far more whacky, interesting, adventurous, irresponsible, self-destructive than I am today. What I gained in self-respect and self-awareness, I lost in character.
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As of May 2017, I have archived my original 2012 www.lesbian-crushes-and-bulimia.com website.
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I have just published a new book—a Q&A collaboration with Helena Whitbread, author of The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister. Anne was a wealthy lesbian diarist who lived two centuries before our time.
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